So I wait..

The title speaks for itself because that is exactly how I feel. These past couple of days I have been doing me. Not stopping to have some quiet time with God. Not praying, not reading my word, not doing any studies. Just slacking. Living life. But I found myself very irritable, on edge, and just really out of it. I felt off. On my way home from a meeting at church, I was talking to myself and I demanded that I NEED to go home and have some quiet time. I go in the bathroom and pray, and I come to sit down and start my declarations. Once I get to the word of the day, I just couldn't shake it. Proverbs 14:30 MSG, "A sound mind makes a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones" . I look and seen that I have read this scripture before. What is God trying to confirm? Once I broke the scripture down it started to make more sense. I highlight words that I may not understand. And the words that stuck out to me were, robust and corrode. When I looked up robust it means, s...

For some reason ever since I had asked myself,  when did I become so busy ? It has been weighing on my heart. When did I really become so busy? Until one night coming home from work late at night and I get home, getting ready for bed and for some reason I could not fall asleep. And I knew instantly that God needed to speak with me. So I pulled out my journal. And I started writing. Before I went any further I started praying. My heart was so heavy and I knew it was one of those moments with God that I needed to be me and pray a real sincere prayer. After I prayed I got back to writing and instantly God spoke back to me. I realized while he was talking to me that the reason I stay so busy is because I am avoiding those transparent moments with God. I put this wall up and I beat myself up because I am running away from my fears instead of facing them. I can come to God about anything else but when it comes to doing a work in me and facing what is wrong with me, I run. God stresses it...

So I was just doing one of my studies and a question came up, what was the last thing that God told you to do? Are you doing it? And it made me go back into my old journal and over look one of my writings to God. I came up on the last journal entry and it was a conversation I was having with God and it happened to be a deep conversation. God asked me if I was bitter, tired and why do I always fight him when it comes to him loving me completely. And I came to realize that at that time I may have said that I give God complete control over that area in my life, but I haven't. Because I was so used to being in control when it came to relationships, in this season of singleness I find it challenging to completely submit to God. I told God that I don't know why I keep running from him, and I never really understood the reason why. Until now. There was once a time where I became completely naked emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually in a relationship. Not once, but twic...

When I look back over the years I am in complete awe. My life was a hot mess.  I just got to the point where I was tired of being sick and tired. I wasn't always this way. God had to break me , LITERALLY, to get all of my heart. I knew of love but I didn't know how I was supposed to be loved and what love was supposed to feel like. I lost my virginity in middle school. I was always the odd ball. I never really fitted in but I did what I could to fit in. I didn't know my value. They say a father is suppose to show his daughter the true meaning on how to be loved and treated. I love my father and he is the greatest man on this earth. But when it came to being there for his daughter emotionally and spiritually, my dad just wasn't there. So I searched for the love that I wasn't getting from my father, the man who establishes and teaches me my worth. When I lost my virginity I instantly didn't feel the same. I used him to make him want to be in a relationship with m...